I hate living

I hate this Chinese New Year. This is the worst new year I’ve ever had. Or is it? Or it has been the same degree of “worst” for the past few years?

I am unhappy. I am extremely unhappy. I hope I have the courage to die. But I am a God damn coward who dares only to write about death.

What meaning is there to live when I only melancholy everyday? What meaning is there when I cannot be happy?

Would I really have the courage to die? Would I? Would I not? Would I?.......


I thought I’ve passed through that phase. Turned out that I have not.

Bad dreams again

Why do I keep having bad dreams lately? Yesterday I dreamt that someone (2girls) insisted to carry my Miko. But my Miko will not allow people carry her. I yelled at them DO NOT CARRY HER! But still they fight to carry my Miko. And while they were fighting for Miko, just beneath it is a fish tank, with water in it of course. I was afraid while they fight for Miko, Miko will fell into the water. And it did.

ARGHHHHHHHH!!!!! I quickly carry Miko back out. She passed out. I felt her heartbeat, still beating fast. So I did “resuscitation” by pumping on her heart gently… And she threw out the water in her, just like a human……………. I was soooo damn relieved.

But she was still wet and in cold. So I put her in my shirt, holding her around my chest. And she laid there quietly like an angel. I took a towel and wrapped around her to keep her warmer and wipe off the water.

Then I woke up.

Shit. Don’t understand why do I keep having bad dreams. I hardly have any bad dreams usually.

No fun dream

Oh my gosh.... had a horrifying dream... I was in the worst freak waves ever! It was at least 30m high, more horrifying than the best Hollywood movie (of cos.. it's a DREAM)..

We were on a normal size ship, I can see other ships struggling on the super high waves. Soon our ship will join them as the enormous amount of water is coming towards our ship. Horrible....

I was awaken by my own shiver. I have never experienced this before. I had been awaken by super fast heartbeat before but not shiver. I literally shivered from head to toe, part by part of my body at the moment I woke up. And I continue to shiver uncontrollably for a while. The air-cond temperature in my room is no where near the point which could make me shiver...

Having to watch the enormous amount of water coming soon towards you, just like in the movie, is no fun thing...

Holiday is nearly over

Friday, the 7th day holiday for CNY. 2 more days to go and I'd start heading back working like a normal person does again. I hate working. Everybody hates working. I love shopping, but I have to control. Cos I ain't loaded. And I ain't got a rich boyfriend or husband who can sup a $10,000 limit credit card to me.

Still, today, went out with YK for a little shopping. Spent over RM300 on Shu Uemura products... if I've said it once I've said it a million times, shopping and spending money is more addictive than drugs, I'm telling you. Once you start spending money, you'd feel so good, like you're in heaven, and you'd want to spend again. But it feels like you're out of drugs when you see your credit card bills....

The life of a tai-tai... I can only imagine. If I'm a tai-tai, I'd probably learn piano on Monday, facial on Tuesday, shopping on Wednesday, learn violin on Thursday, shopping again on Friday, lim teh with friends on Saturday, or maybe walk the dogs, and accompany husband on Sunday. Wahahahaha.. PPPERFECT! ....... I dream too much.

Anyway, yesterday night I had a horrible dream. I dream that all of a sudden, I discovered that I've got a new tattoo on the back of my shoulder, the same place around my first one. My new tattoo, a dolphin with a Santa Claus and an elf or deer or smthg.......... weird... ridiculous.... Guess I hope there's a Santa Claus to fulfill my wants.. And the horrible part was, I realised my first tattoo of a dolphin breaching out of water had been lasered off!!!!!!!!! aaaahhhhhhhhh............. it was so ugly as there're scars visible. And this is my precious tattoo, how could I have lasered off??? I was sooooo heartpain, the dream was sooooo real....... damn scary..... I don't like this dream.

Who?

I ask questions non-stop, like a 4 years old kid. Of course I don't ask questions with a 4 years old brain... but I have many many questions in my head.

I've got questions about heaven, about earth, about sky, about sea, about human, about... everything.

Who can quench my thirst of answers like he does? No one.

Who shares my thirst of knowledge like he does? No one.

No one...

拜年拜年

Went Steven's house on Chu Er. Wah... I think it's been, what.. over a year I didn't see him. But he's still the same old Steven we know of course. Notice our clothes colours were kind of matching with each other. Very funny because that day, many friends wore purple colour clothes~
I couldn't find Steven at first in this photo...
Ck with 四大美女. Wahahahaha....
Gigi 发qiao2 with YK's handbag... plus Ah Qiang and Xiao Mei.
Group photo.

At EK's house. Lots of goodies to eat. hahaha.. everybody eat non-stop.
两位美女 YK and KR.
Group photo again, at EK's house.
Oh, we didn't take any photos at Patrick's house. And we didn't take photos of our "President" Patrick's new born daughter. So cute the baby, with pretty, dark hair.

Afterwards, CK, KR and I went City Sq wanting to settle our dinner there. But we went Starbucks instead. And dare the Starbucks still selling its unfresh cheese cake. The cake has turned to be biscuit-like, and the cream has became "rubber".....

We "3 wandering souls" got nothing to do... wandered here and there in City Sq... Got no choice but to head home. Just when we're about to pay for carpark, we changed our mind and went makan at a newly open Laksa restaurant. I didn't notice its proper name but it sells all kinds of laksa. There're Nyonya Melaka laksa, Johor laksa, Kelantan laksa, Sarawak laksa, etc... In the restaurant there's this nice washing basin for the convenience of its customer. very 贴心.

Sarawak laksa is my favourite. So I must order this. But this "version" is different from what I ate before in Kuching. You can find Sarawak laksa in Spore too. But those I've tried were sold by Chinese. I guess that's where it's different. This version, is too thick to my liking. And it oh-so-salty man.... couldn't really finish it all because it's too salty. But all 3 laksa we've tried have very strong taste, very nice indeed if not because it's too salty.
CK's Nyonya Melaka Laksa, like curry laksa.
KR's Johor laksa. Johor laksa's gravy contains lots of fish meat. I've tasted once made by my ex-colleague's wife (Malay). Again, different from this. Nonetheless it's tasty.
Sinful food, these are. and I just ate a big packet of french fries today... Damn fatty... I haven't even eat the burger yet and I've got Lilo's tummy now. die... the burger shall be my dinner tonight..

变脸

Did you happen to watch Ch 8's CNY eve show? There was this woman (I think she used to be a singer), she performed China's 变脸绝技. But I think China's 变脸师傅shouldn't just anyhow teach people this skill. I don't know if this woman on the show yesterday learnt from China. Cos previously it was known that they do not anyhow impart the skill and they impart only to men.

Anyway, I only watched the repeated show this afternoon, and I burst into laughter while watching it. First of all, if I'm not wrong, real 变脸's mask is a very thin mask, and stick quite close to the face like it's being painted on the face. The woman's masks however, were those hard, normal mask we normally see. And I suspect that she could not really see well when wearing those mask, which was not the case in real 变脸 show. It looked to me that she needed the dancers' help in order to change the mask. At one point, her hand was seeking in the air for the dancer's shoulder who was kneeling in front of her. Then when she found the dancer's shoulder, her hand went along the arm until she touch the hand. Then she "struggle" to change the mask. It looked like she had to touch the dancer in order to change her mask.

The way she changed the mask... was not very "clear cut". She had to like er... "geng1 sai4"... ahhahahahahha. to "geng" and change mask. The music and the mask change was not in the same frequency... She often had to turn around for a long time, after that she struggled to change mask. It really seemed to me she was struggling. China's 变脸师傅 never turned his face to the back for soooooo... long.

Then came the funniest part, a mask, was stuck there around her chin after she changed mask!!! WAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.... can you believe it? You can see the mask CLEARLY. I don't know if anybody who watched it notice. It was soooooo funny.... And she had to turn around, and she had to use her hand to push or tug it back.

My God.... it's really a disgrace for this 变脸skill...... If I could speak to her, I would tell her please don't perform in public again until she has really mastered the skill....... What a disgrace...

Just another long holiday

What does CNY mean to you? It was discussed in the papers, it was discussed on the tv. It repeats every year. CNY is a happy thing for a happy family, complete with father, mother and kids. CNY is a happy thing for a happy couple, got a bfren/gfren to introduce to your relatives. Good.

If you are single, you'd be questioned why are you still single. If you are divorced, you'd probably looking at other family enviously. If you are poor, you'd probably worried about the angpow you'd have to give, etc etc. Thus CNY is only a thing for happy, complete families.

There are so many at-marriage-age-still-single people. I bet 99.9% of them hate the new year. In the Straits Times, the author said, she doesn't see people in the West(Christians/Catholics, etc) dislike their Christmas. She doesn't see Malays dislike Hari Raya. Only Chinese youngsters would dislike their own festive season. Why? Because Westerners and Malays don't "interrogate" every single man and woman in their families. Because CNY is simply a time for "interrogate" session, no, I should say, torture, interrogate torture. First they'd ask if you've got a bfren/gfren, when you have a bfren/gfren they'd ask when are you getting married, after that they'd ask when are you having kids? After the first kid they'd ask when are you having the second. After that they'd ask how your kids score in class, which "famous" school do they go to? Which country and which university are they going? It is a neverending torture, it is a neverending comparison between Chinese families. Fuck! It's my fucking life. Why do I have to endure all these stupid questions? And if I ever have a bfren and want to get your angpow at the wedding banquet, I will fucking notify you, man!

It's just making conversations, people say. No, it's constant comparison, and no it's not pure concern either. Chinese are competitive creature. They can't help it. But I can't help it being annoyed either. Especially when I have 2 inconsiderate uncles. One used to be my favourite uncle, now I can't wait to get out of his way. They not only ask why don't I have a bfren yet, and they make it sound like it's the worst thing that could happen to anyone. So what do they suggest? I go out to the street and held up a plate writing "Fuck me!"?

Is that what they want?

I just had the same treatment this afternoon. I fucking ain't gonna endure it no more. I told my mum, if anyone ever asks me why don't I have a bfren yet, I am going to answer : "What? No boyfriend will die is it?" My mum of course protested, saying it's rude. Hell of course I know it's rude. But are they being nice? They are being fucking rude by making fun of a polite lady like me. So why the fuck should I be nice to them? I am going to say it and bang my door. I will! I fucking will!

I hate them. Totally fucking hate them. My life will be much better without these crude people. My mum asked me why don't I like her family members. Why can't she understand how I feel? They were not just asking out of concern but were making fun of me. Why the fuck should I like them?

But I am going to try to avoid embarrassing my mum by getting away. I am going to be with my lovely Miko on the first day of CNY. If I were so unfortunate to bump into those crude people before I leave home, dare they say that again, I'll definitely make them quiet.

CNY to me is just another long holiday. It's the holiday that I am looking forward to. Not the relatives gathering. I used to like it. Now I don't. I can't wait to get away. But every year's planning for holiday has failed so far.

Perhaps I've changed to a darker person. I don't quite enjoy conversations with my cousins. We hardly see each other. I used to be the opposite. I used to like talking to my cousins. Now I get uneasy every time there's a family gathering. I don't like to talk that much anymore. I just want to be alone, have a coffee, read a book. That's what I enjoy now.

Well, anyway, if you're not like me,

Happy Lunar New Year.

Not wrong lah

Do you know how annoying it is to have this kind of conversation ?

A : Halo- Ming Chu in or not?
Me: I think you've got the wrong number.
A : Not wrong lah! Correct lah!
Me: NO SUCH PERSON HERE!

B : Alo- Ahmad ada tak?
Me: Awak salah nombor dah.
B : Tak ada salah lah? Ahmad ada?
Me: Tak ada orang ini lah, awak salah nombor lah.
B : Mana ada salah?? Ahmad, Ahmad ada tak?
Me: ........... SALAH NOMBOR LAH!

The second conversation was from a Malay, calling on my handphone looking for Ahmad. Can't the lady tell that I am a Chinese by my accent? Why would someone insist they did not get the wrong number when it's so obvious that they did? ppppprrrhhhh.... soooooooo......... annoying. And I get this alllll the time......

The ritual of waking up

My alarm clock starts ringing at 7:30am and snooze at every 10minutes. Yet usually I would really get out of bed around 8am.

My alarms starts ringing, I would turn it to snooze mode. It rings for a second time, I'd still turn it to snooze mode again.

5 minutes later the alarm on my handphone rings. I'd either turn it off or, again.. snooze mode.

Then my alarm clock rings for the 3rd time. Again, snooze mode.

Around 7:55am my radio turns itself on. I'd get the remote control and turn it off. And still remain in bed.

Now the struggle to wake up really begins.

My alarm clock rings for the 4th time, I'd either get out of bed or... sleep a little while more. Even if just 2 minutes. hahaha... funny right....

This morning, it was easier to wake up. I heard the birds chirping outside my window. Sometimes it can be so loud I wish them to go away. Today it was just nice. And I "turned" the sound of cars into sound of waves.

Listening to birds chirp and the sound of "waves", it felt so good. I imagined I was on the island of Bahamas. Yeah... Bahamas...........

Imagine

Imagine you had been working in your company for 8 years. There was no talks or rumours about company not doing well. And you are a superb employee.

One day, you go to work happily as usual. Your boss calls you to the meeting room and tell you, that you are being laid off.

How would you feel? How the hell would you feel?

Imagine.

The world is unfair. The world is never fair and never was and never will.

Music is the saviour

I don't used to like listening to MP3 or radio using earpiece. However recently I will bring either my handphone's earpiece to listen to the radio or my MP3. It's not because I cannot live without music. It is my saviour at times of need.

Last week I forgot to bring my hp's earpiece... GOsh.. I almost died.

I was on the upper deck of the bus. 2 students were sitting behind me. The two girls were talking about boys and who like who and stuffs. One of the girls, she was sooooo... loud. I don't understand why people have to talk so loud when their friend is sitting just beside them.

And then there were another 2 boys. They were sitting on the first rows, 2 rows in front of me. They were playing with, I think, bottle caps. The first row on the upper deck, as everybody knows, has ehm... how to describe it... my poor English.. It has a wide space in front of the seat where people including me sometimes put our things there. So they kept throwing the bottle caps there and making lots of noise.

And then there were the TVMobile. It was soooooo damn loud.

Sound polutions, all those were. I couldn't stand it... really.... felt like I was in hell. It was so damn frustrating with all those loud noises.

I wished I hadn't forgotten my earpiece.... I could have listened to only one thing - the music on my handphone, instead of all those noise.

I just hope people do not talk so loud on their handphone or to their friends beside them unless necessary. Sometimes the other party on the phone is in a noisy environment, then you'd have no choice but to speak really loud. Else, please.... lower your voice.... There was once I sat near the back of the bus, and I could hear the woman who was sitting in the front part of the bus talking.... amazing...

What's my favourites

What a great day for sun tanning. Went to the pool for 2 whole hours. Shiok~!

Having read Banana Booze's Favourite Things, makes me wanna write down my favourite things as well.

Hmm, let's see.. what are my favourites..

I like to see sun rays shining through clouds onto the surface of the ocean, making the ocean blinks like stars. So pretty.

I like to dip in the swimming pool, looking over the sky, watching birds and eagles fly. So free.

I like to wake up to the sound of gentle waves on an island. So calming.

I like to just sit and look at the ocean, without any thoughts on my mind. So peaceful.

I like to smell the freshly cut grass. So natural.

I like to listen to the calls of animals. So wild.

I like to use pretty and thick towel for shower. So soft.

I like to buy pretty cups. So cheering.

I like to imagine making people disappear. So satisfying.

I like to imagine myself in slow motion, while crowds of people rushing by. So contradicting.

I like to touch animals. So exciting.

Many other things that I like. These are just a few. What are your favourites?

I am so HOT!

I am soooooooooooo HOT!!

Well... not the "Oh she's so hot"'s hot.... I really am feeling very very fucking hot in office. I have NEVER work in such a company before. Most of my colleagues feel it's acceptable, only once or twice they complaint hot. My seat is the worst seat as the air-cond doesn't blow to my direction. So I am the one constantly complaining.

It doesn't help when my boss is Japanese. People from cold countries prefer warm than cold. He even asked us to fix the air-cond at 26 degree Celsius to save cost! Might as well turn off the air-cond!! @*(#&*&$*%&$*(%&($* Air-cond in Malaysia and Singapore is used to keep cool not to keep fucking warm! It's not a heater for crying out loud!!

Everybody else's office is cold as the poles, my office is hot as desert. @#$#(*&%(*$&%$*

I really really cannot stand it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

p.s. Grammatically correct sentence should be "I feel so hot" instead of "I am so hot", I think. But I just like to say "I am so hot". wahahahahah....

No pork

Everyone is passing the "No pok no pok" video. If you haven't watch it, go search in YouTube.

Why do people think it's funny? Banana Booze said it's offensive but funny. It may be kind of offensive, but I am fully aware that this is just a joke and not a real "action" that has happened. So, "offensive or not" aside, my feeling when I watched it, or rather, listened it, was ehm, plain.

I wasn't feeling anything, I didn't feel it's offensive, I didn't feel it's funny. My lips didn't twitch a bit. I don't know... I just totally felt it wasn't funny at all. Yeah the Indian accent may be funny, but the whole video, I myself feel that there's not any humour in it. Or there's not any humour in me. hahaha.. That might be it.

From yesterday's nwsppr

How much time do you spend usually when you read daily newspapers? Some take a short while, some take a long time (废话...) As for me, I guess, same like everyone else, depends on whether there are news that interest me. Sometimes it takes more than an hour and I think that is perfectly normal. If you read ALL the news, all the articles in the Straits Times, I think it takes at least more than 2 hours. Even just selectively read some news and articles, it easily takes me more than an hour.

I was once told, “Huh? What’s there to read about? Takes a while only to read a newspaper what?”

...........................

What would you answer? It irritated me a lot upon hearing that. Yeah, if you read only the headlines, it will take you only 5 minutes. You can take 2 minutes to finish reading the paper for all I care. But I feel it is rather obnoxious to say something like that. Maybe I’m petty. I don’t know, but I was honestly offended.

Anyway, some things I read yesterday made me want to “vent out” my opinion.

This is not the latest news but did you know about the drilling accident in Indonesia which caused a mud flow disaster? There was an article in yesterday’s paper talking about what (natural causes/earthquake?) or who (drilling company) caused the accident.

Man… Indonesia is a country of disaster, a cursed nation, I’d say. 15,000 people left homeless… The mud that flowed out was hot.. The people there can’t stand walking in it even when they were wearing boots… AND, it was estimated the mud could keep flowing for another decade or more! Can you imagine that??!

Indonesia is never without disasters. It is home to more than 120 volcanoes which are considered to be active. Lake Toba is the result of a super volcano eruption 71,000 years ago (Wikipedia says 75,000 yrs ago), the largest eruption in the last million years, and thought to have caused multiple species extinction on the planet. Its volcanic ash was discovered in the middle of Indian Ocean by scientists in recent years and it was more than 30cm deep… Can you imagine that? The distance… the magnitude… It must be years before sun light could penetrate through the ash, and before the ash finally settled down. If I remember correctly, the temperature on the globe then dropped as much as 3 degree Celsius… THAT is a lot.

Then there was Krakatau of 1883. Its explosion was heard as far as Australia… horrible… People who’s in Indonesia and survived.. were their hearings affected by the explosion? Excerpts from Asian Geographic magazine, "It caused a series of tsunamis up to 40m in height…… ash clouds went round the world playing havoc with temperature and creating colourful sunsets for as long as 3 years." ………….

Enough about volcanoes.

Another news, "Dr made patient wear dog collar…" A psychologist told a court he was behaving within the guidelines of the Australian Psychological Society when he told a young woman patient to wear a dog collar and call him "master"…. The 64 year old Dr pleaded not guilty to sexually assaulting the woman he was treating for bulimia at his clinic. He said he thought role-playing a master-submissive relationship would help build a more trusting atmosphere.. yeah… very clever… Perhaps the Dr needs psychological help himself…

"Barriers and card readers have been installed at gantry points at the Causeway and Second Link in preparation for the reported levy of RM20." Still, until now some ministers were saying we will start collecting the RM20 fee from Spore registered car, some ministers said decision has not been made. What the fuck…. forever the same. One minister say one thing, the other minister say another…Who the hell is in charge here??? Fucking make up their mind, man! I must reiterate that I love my country but I really have to say, Malaysia’s general administration is not very good (the most courteous words I can find). And I hate Johor’s Menteri Besar Abdul Ghani. I think he’s an idiot. He’s now accusing Spore’s land reclamation as the cause of Johor’s series of flood. I thought study had taken place and the conclusion was Spore’s land reclamation does not affect Johor’s river flow, etc etc?

Apparrently, if anything bad happened in Johor, "blame it on Spore". That’s all Abdul Ghani knows. That’s all he has to remember. It’s all Spore’s fault. Didn’t Abdul Ghani noticed the rainfall in these few months were unusually more than previous years? Didn’t he read newspapers which reported 2006’s rainfall volume was the highest in the last dunno 80 or 100 years? Oh, I forgot, he doesn’t have to know. Just blame in on Spore.

And Mahathir is on the move again. When asked about his 22 years of dealing with Spore, he said, "You will get nowhere with them either being nice or being tough, they only think of themselves." I personally think that it should be Spore who’s complaining about dealing with Msia here. Malaysia ministers twist and turn their words ALL THE TIME, decisions made can also be changed in every minute. Sometimes I really admire Singapore’s magnanimity towards Malaysia’s harsh words and attitude… Mahathir was someone I respected. I was damn thrilled during secondary school when we had a chance to see him in real life! but now.. all I hear from him is bitterness...

AND… ERP is gonna go up again, by $0.50!!!! Though I don’t drive in Spore but I think that’s soooooo unreasonable…. To drive into CBD now cost $4! Man……

I wrote this till 2:30am… Gosh.. Wasn’t sleepy at all. By the time I got in bed was nearly 3am. But today I wasn’t feeling tired. Whereas if I sleep for a full 8 hours I usually feel tired the next day. Funny...