No desire

My friends have all advised me that I should try to find a new relationship. For my own good. Ya. But I have no desire to fall in love again. Sure, it will be sweet and happy to fall in love again. But I'm tired. I'm just left with no energy to love again.

The electricity "tripped" just now. Luckily the switch is not too high up beyond my reach (managed to switch it back to normal with the help of a chair and a stick).

When there's no one around, we have to do things on our own. I managed. But I am lonely. I chose this way. Friends will say you can easily change this by open my heart again. But I do not want to. As lonely as I am, I have no desire to fall in love again. Perhaps, this is my destiny.

Some things can be changed if we try hard enough. Some things are just beyond our control. Maybe in future, one day, beyond my control, I get really sick. And that my parents might have left me. When there's no one around to care for me, I'll go somewhere no one can find me, and die there. Perhaps, no one would even try to find me except my brother. I envy those being a nurse, for they have access to those deadly drugs. Death is within seconds.

I am not thinking to die now. But I always think of ways to die. For one day, maybe I'd get really sick and I'm all alone, and I NEED to die. My brother will be there, I know. But I do not wish to bring further burden to him. He has treated me more than great this life.

I've tried. I've tried to imagine me falling in love again. But I can't bring myself to walk that way. I just can't.

If I'm destined to be alone, I will be. Even if I try to change that. Even if I manage to find someone anyhow, perhaps he will die very soon. And I'll be all alone again. Love is not something we can control. So why bother. If I'm destined to be with someone, I will be. Even if I don't try. Whatever it is, so be it.