"遥"

昨晚，从新加坡开车要回新山，塞车塞得非常严重...堵在那里动弹不得。郁闷。。。。总共花了两个小时半，半夜十二点才到家(没塞车1个小时就可以到）......去到关卡有两条常用的路，那里会有警员指挥交通。我在路A, 警员一直让路B 的车走。。。 都不让路A 的车走。。。就一直堵在那里。 我离转角处大概只有100m， 过了那里就没事，就能通畅了。可我就在那里呆了很久很久.......时间仿佛停止了...... 恨。。。

就昨晚的感觉写了一首诗。。。

遥

如斯近 如斯遥 及手处却千里遥…

望门槛 何以堪 将我岁月如此荒…

官儿郎 把我拦 可知我等眉将燃…

*新与新 如此亲 何以消磨我光阴…

无奈何 奈何乎 举头不见月娥影…

数声叹 悠悠望 归家之时终将临…

*新山与新加坡

爸爸不在了

死亡，是人生必经之路。可是为什么它还是那么令人难以接受？

爸爸的逝世，可以说很突然。他最近很弱，我们知道，只是真的没想到那么快，他就离开了......

爸爸的逝世，我的心情很复杂...... 爸爸这几年活得挺痛苦的吧。。。常常这里痛那里痛，我们除了带他看医生，还能做什么...? 有时止痛药也帮不了。死亡，也许对爸爸是一种解脱....... 但是我真的很舍不得他......

平时我常埋怨爸爸这个，埋怨爸爸那个...... 可是他是我爸爸，我还是爱他的... 十年前，他和妈妈两个人第一次出国旅行，开心的回来，开心的期待下一次的旅行....... 孩子大了，做工赚钱了，他们可以退休享受了。可是爸爸在这个时候发现患了肾病....... 每几天就要洗肾，哪里都去不了。。。爸爸妈妈怎么这么苦命......?? 生命是不公平的。I hate life.

我真的很心痛，看到爸爸妈妈旅行的照片，爸爸开心的笑容，永远再也看不到了....... 最近，看到爸爸疼痛的时候颤抖的手... 无力的走... 我们没有办法做什么。。。 我的心真的很痛。很后悔，没对爸爸再好一点，很后悔，没有再关心爸爸多一点，很后悔，没和爸爸再亲一点............. 现在再后悔也没有用........ 庆幸，哥哥比我关心爸爸多一点。。。

最后一次我们出外用餐，是提早两个星期庆祝母亲节，我看着爸爸，我觉得他的眼睛好象不怎么睁得开...... 我担心.... 想不到，担心的事，那么快就来临...... 看着在灵柩里的爸爸，我了解到，为什么会有子女为死去的父母打防腐剂，把他们继续留在身边，因为，看着灵柩里的爸爸，我也想这么做....... 我舍不得爸爸。。。。。。我舍不得爸爸。。。。。。

如果爸爸的生命可以获得延长，那好吗？他活得那么痛苦，疼痛，吃不了多少．．．心情很复杂...... 但是想这些也没有用。

妈妈说，爸爸走前的那个晚上，他去了我的房间躺了两次，他从来不去我的房间的。我听了，更难受....... 爸爸是疼我的....... 爸爸在的时候，我忘了，爸爸是疼我的。。。

我对着躺着的爸爸说，一定要来我的梦里。出殡那天的晚上，我真的梦见了爸爸。两次。两次梦见爸爸回家了。真的很神奇。通常我们的梦，很少会梦见自己家，梦的背景总是天马行空。可是这两个梦，都是在我家，梦境历历在目。而且两个梦，背景都是我家。这样的几率有多少？

才上个礼拜，我在客厅拉二胡，爸爸走过来看我的二胡谱。现在.... 爸爸已经不再了................. 我不能接受...........

妈妈说到爸爸对她的好，就会哭。。。 我一个人独处的时候，想到爸爸，也会哭。。。 哥哥也不想多说话。。。

我讨厌人生。我讨厌生离死别。为什么要有人生。人生是痛苦的。。。

如果有来世，爸爸，你一定要投胎做一个健健康康的人，一定要一生幸福！一定要！！

Erhu and oil painting 二胡与油画

两个多月没写部落格了。因为两个多月前，开始学了二胡。有一天突然兴起学二胡的念头，上网找了一找，万万没想到在新山还能找到二胡老师，而且还不止一位，实在让我很意外。找到了老师几乎马上就去报了名。从兴起念头到报了名，只是很短的时间。这就是我。说做就做呗 ^_^

开始上课前，在Youtube找二胡的video，有几个video做了简短的二胡曲教学，第二次的万万没想到，video 里拉二胡的男生，就是我的老师！！ 哈哈，好好笑。

上了第一堂课，我更深深地爱上了二胡，学二胡，绝对是一个正确的决定 ^_^ 我手指短，学吉他不行。。。 学二胡，勉强还可以。不过我觉得，会比其他人学二胡难一些。。。 但是我天资聪颖（吐吧！），拉得还不错，老师给了我很多称赞，我高兴得都要飞上天了~哈哈~~~ 老师说我学得很快，是他教过的学生中学得最快的 :D 高兴死了~~~！！！

每学会一首曲，我就好有成就感，好高兴，即使是简短的曲。所以从第一堂课开始我就几乎天天练习。一天不练就不开心，无时无刻都想着练琴。做梦都梦见拉二胡哦! 而且梦了有四，五次那么多，有点走火入魔了。哈哈~

在学二胡之前的几个月，我着迷着另一样事物，油画。花了三百多块钱，买了一堆的材料，在网上看了些video,读了些资料，就这样开始画。出来的画还挺不错D。 哈~同样的开心！！看着自己画的画，其实自己也很惊讶，会在那里想，我是怎么做到的。

现在大部分时间给了二胡，火热的迷恋着二胡两个多月，现在该分一点时间给油画了吧。我不能放弃或忽略画画。不要脸的自认画的很不错=p 一定要继续加油！！！

I haven't been writing blog for over two months, because I started learning erhu. One day out of nothing, I felt like learning erhu, so I went online and did a search. I was actually really surprised that I could find an erhu teacher in JB, and there are not only one erhu teacher here! Once I found the teacher, I registered myself almost immediately. It was only a very short period of time from having the thought of learning erhu to registration. That is me. Just do it!

I watched some videos before the erhu class started. There were a few videos of a young boy demonstrating some short erhu songs. I would never have guessed that boy would be my erhu teacher! Surprised again! LOL...

I fell more in love with erhu after the first lesson. Learning erhu is an absolute right decision ^_^ I have short fingers, can't really learn guitar... still ok for erhu. But I feel that it's still a bit more difficult than other people because of the length of my fingers. However, I am talented (go ahead and puke =p ) , I am not bad at all with erhu~~ Teacher praised me a lot, I was on cloud 9 all the time~! He said I am the fastest learner amongst all the students he had taught~ Happy ~~~!!!

It is so satisfying whenever I learnt a song, even if it's a short one. It makes me really happy. I practiced nearly everyday since the first lesson. I am not happy if I didn't get to practise, I think about playing erhu all the time..I even dreamt about playing erhu! hahaha.. and it wasn't once but four or five times! LOL... I am obsessed...

Few months back, before I started learning erhu, I was crazy with another - oil painting. Spent over $300, bought myself a bunch of oil painting material and started painting. And they aren't bad at all! my paintings~~ Equally happy~ I am actually quite amazed by myself whenever looking at my own paintings. I really wonder how did I ever do it. LOL...

Now I've given most of my time to playing erhu. Crazily in love with erhu for over 2 months, I guess I should give some time to oil painting now. I can't neglect or give up oil painting. I must gambatte with erhu painting too!

First try - painting a cherry
第一试-樱桃

It turned out not bad at all :D

I thought I will screw up the shadow, but it turned out pretty well~
我以为影子会被我画糟，谁知道结果还挺不错~

Dry brush technique first try
一种新的油画手法，“干刷”第一试。

Again,I thought I will screw up, the baby's hat part. But it turned out well!
我又以为我会画得很糟，宝宝的帽子不容易画，结果出奇的好 :D

Drawing a kitty - step by step guide from a library book
尝试跟着一本书的指导画出来的猫咪。

Tried Renaissance style painting of an angel. Failed. Odd looking. Nose too long. But I do like the mouth and hands
文化复兴时代式的画法-天使-失败的作品。天使的五官太奇怪了，鼻子太长。但是我喜欢他的嘴巴和手。

Should draw based on a clearer picture.
必须根据一些更清晰的画来画。

Bob Ross style of landscape painting - failed, mountain became pyramid
失败的作品，山都变成金字塔了。

Another dry brush technique - at this point, I was doubtful it'll look like Leonardo.
另一‘干刷’画，画到这里我很怀疑我的画会像Leonardo.

But it's getting more lookalike as I continued!
继续下去，Leonardo 的样子开始出来了！

Tata! Leonardo! I'm so proud of myself!
噹噹！Leonardo 出现了！我为我自己感到自豪~！

This is me playing Amazing Grace after 5 lessons :
上了五堂课后拉的曲。

After 2 months :

两个月后：

I simply love erhu!!!! 我好爱好爱二胡！！！

猜这首诗的名字？

一朝进红尘
宿命早已定
结局如何了 (liao)
皆看源起头

辗转入尘世
幸存何其艰
几经波折累
身心逐粉碎

九曲十八弯
手足各自堪
有者浮浮兮
有者沉其底

一个哗啦
一切皆空已

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

以上，乃屎便也。

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

解释：

一朝进红尘 - 一进到人的口中
宿命早已定 - 结果已经注定
结局如何了 - 结果是怎样(浮或沉）
皆看源起头 - 皆看你是什么食物

辗转入尘世 - 从口进到胃
幸存何其艰 - 很难再存在
几经波折累 – 胃酸在消化你
身心逐粉碎 - 渐渐的你就被融化了

九曲十八弯 – 大肠小肠很多弯
手足各自堪 – 大便大便各自忍受着
有者浮浮兮 - 出来后有些会浮
有者沉其底 - 有些沉在水底

一个哗啦 – 拉一下马桶
一切皆空已 - 就什么都没有了

这个诗，名“屎便”， 如果做成一首歌，应该给刘德华唱。

因为他有“马桶”，也应该要有“屎便”。 哈哈哈。。。

思念

送给远距离恋爱的朋友：

思念

柳树微微摇屹
柔硕月光下念你
薄雾漫漫
拟化你脸庞
寒气弥漫而我心暖
似是你轻叼草烟
炽热眼神穿透我心间

夜渐深雾渐浓
柳叶静思暖意风
长夜漫漫
寂静安抚我
草香轻裹我念着你
幻化成你的香气
瞬间恰似轻躺你怀里

你的夜 雾与否
你的梦 可曾有
如月般清澈的我的思念
如日般透亮的我的暖意
盼相见如早来春
将我两心抱满怀

如果我死了 / If I die

一位同事，入院几天，还以为不久后她就会出院。谁知道，竟然接到她过世了的消息。突然得难以置信。人生无常，真是要珍惜每一天。。。

我在想，如果今天我死了，会有人想念我，怀念我吗？怀念我些什么呢？

我之前喜欢潜水，妈妈总是担心得不得了。我总是跟她说，生死有命。如果有一天我死得比她早，不要难过，死了是一种解脱。妈妈当然不能接受这种说法，总说“choy! Choy! Choy!”。

对死亡害怕吗？我不知道。可是，总有点不舍。如果明天我死了，有遗憾吗？我想… 没有吧。爱过，痛过，苦过，开心过，做过我想做喜欢做的事，人生也不过这样了。

以前每次妈妈问可不可以少点去潜水（目前没潜了），太危险了，我就会说，如果我在做着自己喜欢的事时死了，那是值得高兴的。我总会接着说，如果我死了，把我火葬了，然后把我的骨灰撒进大海吧。（妈妈又说“choy! Choy! Choy!”）

我以前常常会梦见在空中飞，在海里和鲸鱼，海豚等等一起畅游… 真的，没骗你。梦见这些时，我就希望不醒了…… 以前常梦见这些，现在没有了，不知道为什么。

最爱梦见自己在飞了……

真的，如果我死了，希望我的骨灰可以带着我的灵魂，四处翱翔吧……

晨起晨落世俗间
喜怒哀乐皆难免
但求平静无愧心
如明逝去亦无悔

A colleague was admitted in hospital for a few days. We all thought we’d be seeing her back in action very soon. Who knows… we received the shocking news that she has passed away… It was really shocking… so unreal… Life is unpredictable, we should treasure everyday…

I was thinking, would anybody be missing me if I die today? What about me would they be missing me?

I used to love going diving. My mum of course would worried sick every time I go diving. I always told her, “Life is destined.” If I die before her, please don’t be sad. Death is a liberation. She of course would not accept such thinking, she always exclaimed something like “TOUCH WOOD!”.

Am I afraid of death? I don’t know. I guess I can’t bear to leave my family and friends. If I die tomorrow, do I have regrets? I think, probably not. There in my life, was love, was pain, was suffering, was happiness, I did things that I love and wanted to do. I guess that is all what life is about.

Mum used to always ask me, can I go less diving (nowadays I no longer dive)? As it’s dangerous. I would always say, if I die doing the things I love, that is worth celebrating. I’d say, if I die, please cremate me, and scatter my ashes into the sea. (Mum exclaimed “touch wood” again)

I used to always dream of me flying, swimming with whales and dolphins. Really, I am not bluffing. When having such dreams, I hoped I wouldn’t wake up. I used to always have such dreams, but not anymore, I don’t know why. I love most to dream of me flying…

Really, if I die, I hope my ashes would carry my soul, go anywhere I want to go…

Ex-offender and key chain / 前罪犯与锁匙圈

Was out with Sh yesterday. While we’re having coffee, a man approached us, showing us the document that allegedly proves he’s an ex-offender and trying to earn a living by selling key chains, and asked us to help support him by buying the key chains. This is the second time we’re having coffee and being approached. I think Sh and I have kind faces … :p

I digressed. I am not sure whether what the guy said is true. I tend to believe him.

The key chains are selling at S$10 a pair. It’s not very expensive but not exactly cheap either. We didn’t buy it. It’s not that I don’t want to help ex-offenders, I think we should help them. But the thing is, I have no use whatsoever of the key chain. Key chains are aplenty at most people’s homes, I believe. And as I said, S$10 is not exactly cheap. I can do a lot of things with S$10, it’s enough for my one day’s meals. It’s not reasonable to expect people who are not loaded, like me, would buy those key chains for S$10… I sincerely hope I can help the ex-offenders but to me, S$10 is not a small amount. Sometimes I have only $20-$30 in my wallet.. Furthermore I have no use of key chains. I think they really should look into the products they are selling. Say for example, mug cover, chopsticks, etc, these are small enough for them to carry around and it’s something that we can use. Then I think I will buy it from them. Key chains… I am really sorry…

It’s not easy to say no to them, you know…… But I have to think of my pocket as well… Unless I earn a lot…but I don’t. The first one Sh and I encountered, was a very polite gentleman. Even when we kept rejecting him he was still very polite. He even said to us “You two are very beautiful ladies. You have a good day.” before he left…. The second one yesterday, gave us an angry face when I said no to him. Well, not exactly angry I guess, more of frustration maybe. I know it’s really not easy for them to sell those things on the streets… but I really think they should seriously look into what products they sell...

昨天和Sh出去。在喝咖啡的时候，有个男人拿着证件说他是前罪犯，现在靠买锁匙圈为生，让我们帮帮忙，跟他买一个。这是第二次我和Sh喝咖啡的时候遇到这样的事。大概我和Sh有张善良 的脸... :p

离题了。我不知道那个男人说的是不是真的，我想我是相信的。

那些锁匙圈，一对卖 S$10. 不是很贵但也不算便宜。我们没买。不是我不愿意帮忙这些前罪犯，我认为我们是应该帮忙的。可是，锁匙圈对我实在没有用。每个人家里大概锁匙圈都太多了。再说，S$10 实在不能说是便宜。S$10 我可以做许多事了，S$10 我可以吃三餐呢。。。要像我这样不是很富裕的人花S$10 买对锁匙圈，不成道理。。。我是真心想帮他们，但是真的，S$10 对我来说并不小...有时钱包里只有 S$20-30…. 再说，锁匙圈对我真的是没用。我觉得他们应该探讨他们售卖的产品。比如说，杯盖，筷子什么的，够小，容易带在身上售卖， 而且是实用的东西。如果是这些，我会买的。锁匙圈...实在对不起...

要向他们说不，不是一件容易的事......可我也得考虑我的口袋…. 除非我赚得很多，可是我并不。 Sh 和我遇见的第一个售卖锁匙圈的前罪犯，是一个很有礼貌的人。我们一直拒绝购买他还是很有礼貌。走之前还对我们说，“你们两个很漂亮。祝你们愉快。”…. 昨天的那个，在我们拒绝后，扳了副生气的脸，掉头就走。 可能不是生气而是倍感受挫吧。我知道他们卖这些非常困难。。但是我希望他们真的可以彻底去探讨应该买些什么比较好...

爱哭 / Cry Baby

我啊，年纪越大就越感性。人家都是年纪越大就越坚强越不哭，可我啊，恰恰相反。年轻点的时候已经很爱哭，现在更是…超容易哭的。不知道有没有人像我这样，年纪越大越容易掉眼泪。记得是前年吧（还是大前年），唱karaoke时，唱的是陈洁仪的天冷就回来，唱着唱着突然眼眶就湿了，唱不下去。也没有什么特别感触或伤感，只是那音律很伤感，眼眶湿得有点莫名其妙……

现在只要是感性一点的人或事，我都会要哭…… 哪怕只是一个短片，一个广告，一张照片。看Connie Talbot 六岁的表演，唱得那么动听，我也是眼眶湿润……如果我是演员，现在演哭戏绝对没问题，甚至还有可能哭不停，导演喊cut 了大概还停不了…… 真可惜我不是演员。

我想可能是感情路走得坎坷…… 也可能是因为父亲的病，觉得人生太痛苦…… 以前都快快乐乐，只顾自己玩乐。年纪大一点，看见可怜的人事和动物，会感叹自己帮不上忙，觉得很无奈，觉得人生是残酷的。我们一个人能帮的也就这么多，到处都有不幸，能怎么办？父亲生病，痛苦，我们爱莫能助，连带母亲也快乐不起来。能怎么办..？我和哥哥尽力做了能让他们开心的事，但是无奈于伤感还是会偶尔介入。能做的我和哥哥已经尽量做了，还能怎么办？写到这里又不由自主的掉眼泪了。。。唉。。。

Nowadays, whenever there are people or things that moved me or it's a little sad, I will cry. Be it a short video, a commercial, even a photograph. Watching the 6 years old Connie Talbot sang with her angelic voice, my eyes were wet too.　If I were an actress, there will not be any problem whatsoever playing cry scenes, I probably wouldn’t be able to stop even, when the director call it a cut. Too bad I am not an actress.

The older I get, the more sentimental I’ve become. Most people get tougher and less likely to cry as they grow older. But me, I’m just the opposite. When I was younger I was already a person who cries easily, it’s even worse now. I wonder if there’re people like me, the older it gets, the easier it is to shed tears. About 2 or 3 years ago, I was singing karaoke, a melancholy song, suddenly I just couldn’t continue singing, my eyes were wet. There’s not a specific reason for shedding tears, it’s just that the melody is sad. It’s a little peculiar that I just suddenly felt sad and shed tears like that…

Perhaps because of the bumpy rides in love… perhaps because of my dad’s sickness, I feel that life is painful…… I used to only care about myself, only care about what makes me happy. As I grow up, when I see unfortunate things that I can’t help, I’ll feel sad and helpless. I feel life is helpless, life is cruel. We as a person, can only help that much… but unfortunates are everywhere, what do we do? My dad’s sick and he’s suffering, there’s only so much we can help, my mum has grown unhappy too. What do we do? We tried to do things that make them happy. But there are still times that.. sadness comes creeping in. My brother and I have done whatever we could, what else do we do? Here and now, I shed tears again uncontrollably… Sigh…

单身 / Single

每年过年都要重复同样的话（赶快找个男朋友），同样的动作（礼貌的向他们笑一下）。 有男朋友的就被问什么时候要结婚，结了婚的就什么时候要生孩子。听了当然很烦，但有时候想想，大家也只是找些事聊聊。不常见面的亲戚除了这些，还要聊什么? 有时候见到有了男女朋友很久的朋友，我也会不由自主的想问“什么时候结婚啊？”

Every Chinese New Year, the same talks (quickly find a boyfriend), same action (politely nod and smile) are being repeated. If you have a boyfriend, you’ll be asked when are you getting married, if you are married you’ll be asked when are you having a baby. It’s not something that we’d like to hear. But sometimes, I thought, they were just trying to start a conversation. Some relatives don’t meet often, what could we chat about besides these? Sometimes when I see a friend who has got a boyfriend/girlfriend, I tend to want to ask the same question “When are you getting married?” too.

还是单身就还是单身。 单身最可怜的不是还是单身，而是要回答很多没有答案的问题。 为什么还单身？ 为什么不找个男朋友？你不知道你父母担心吗？

Being single is just that, single. The worst thing about being a single is not that you are still single, but having to answer questions that have no answers. Why are you still single? Why aren’t you looking for a boyfriend? Don’t you know your parents worried about you?

你认为有答案吗？

Do you think there’s an answer to those questions?

找到了你的另一伴， 恭喜你。 可是不是每个人都可以找到另一伴的。

If you’ve found your other half, congratulations. But not everyone will find their other half.

我的生命中，也曾经深爱过，曾经伤痛过，曾经，变成了过去。那一段不能说的痛，那一段几乎崩溃的日子，独自承受的日子。。。我以为，就这样了。。。终于, 有一天，放下了。决定放下后，意外的容易。。。现在回想起，只觉得自己很傻。轰轰烈烈的爱情里，甜蜜的，痛苦的，让它们随时间淡去。那些挥之不去的，把它们都深锁在内心深处，不去触碰。我做得很好，把它们都锁得很好。

In my life, I had been deeply in love, I had been deeply hurt, it’s all history now. The unspeakable pain, the days I almost fell apart, the days I suffered and cried alone.. I thought, that was it, that was my life… Eventually, one day, I let it go. It was surprisingly easy once I decided to let it go. I feel silly remembering the time. The sweet memories, the painful memories, will fade away as time goes by. Those that persist, I will lock them deep in my heart, and keep it away. I’ve done a very good job, I’ve locked them well away.

庆幸着，没有眷恋。 也庆幸，那些痛，终于过去了。 我的心已经有了裂痕。 我把它补得很好，可是疤痕还是在的。我并不会拒绝感情的来临，但是要去主动寻找，实在不容易，也没什么剩余的力气去做了。 要重新认识一个人，是很累的。一段感情，总会吵架的，那也是很累的。

I feel fortunate, that I didn’t look back. And I feel fortunate that those pains are now in the past. There’s a crack in my heart, I’ve mended it well, but a scar is inevitable. If there comes love, I will not close the door to my heart. But if you’re asking me to actively go look for love, that’s something not easy for me to do now. I have not left with much strength to do so. It’s tiring, getting to know a complete stranger. There will certainly be fights in any relationship, and it’s tiring as well.

有谁是真真正正选择单身？那些说是的，大概只是在欺骗自己。 谁不想有一个人陪着？ 单身不是我的选择，但是没有另一伴，不代表就不能好好的活， 不代表就不能活得很充实，不代表就不能活得很快乐。快乐是自己找的，自己给的。快乐也不是只能从男女朋友身上找来的。

Is there anybody voluntarily choose to be single? If someone say yes, he/she is probably lying to himself/herself. Who wouldn’t want to have someone to spend your life with? Being single is not my choice, but not having the other half, doesn’t mean I can’t live well, doesn’t mean I can’t live life to the fullest, doesn’t mean I can’t be happy. Happiness is something you have to find it yourself, something you give it to yourself. And happiness doesn't only come from a boyfriend/girlfriend.

我知道自己老大不小了，但是没有就没有，难道就要我去抛绣球招亲？我不愿意逼自己去参加社交活动，我知道那没什么，但是我就是不喜欢。如果我很紧张自己后半辈子会寂寞，我会去的。可是我觉得现在这样也没什么不好啊。为什么就不能尊重我的这种生活？

I know I am not young anymore, but I don’t have a boyfriend means I don’t have a boyfriend, don’t tell me I have to choose a husband from a group of men by throwing an embroidered ball to them, like in the ancient time? I don’t want to force myself to join social events, I know it’s nothing and common but I just don’t like it. If I am anxious and worry that I’ll be lonely for the rest of my life, I will do so. But I feel that it’s not such a bad thing being the way I am now. Why can’t people just respect my life and stop nagging?

人生不能少的，是亲情和友情。 没有爱情，还是可以活得很好，很开心的。

The things that one can’t live without in life, are love from your family and friendship. One will be able to live well and happy, even when not having love from the opposite sex.