Ex..cru..cia..ting.........

I’ve made a heart breaking decision, or shall I say, we, have made a heart breaking decision…

I’ve cried for so many nights. The blood vessels around my eyes were on the verge of exploding… Every morning, my eyes will be swollen like gold fish, the result of too much crying the night before. When I was alone I cry, when I was with friends or family I did managed to squeeze out some laughter, but inside… I was crying.

The thought of ending my life seriously cross my head, my useless head. But I couldn’t. It’s too selfish… The thought of my mother’s devastation if I do such thing… made me stop thinking about that. I couldn’t let her 30 years of tough upbringing of me go down the drain just like that.

And so, him and I have made our decision. Slowly, I should live a life without him being with me everyday. It’s…. hard… it’s gonna be so God damn hard…… But I have to… If we continue like this, I’m afraid I might end up hating him. I don’t want to hate him.

The mere thinking of my future life, without him making up a big part of it, is, excruciating… I still cry when I think of that….

Soon, there’ll be no one to chat with me about my everyday life, about everything else.

Soon, there’ll be no one to share my passion for animals.

Soon, there’ll be no one there to dote on me.

Soon, I’ll be all lonely again…

Will he be ok without me? Will he think of me till his heart pains? We both will… we both will…

Oh God… How am I going to get through this… My heart is bleeding….