I would be blessed

I would be blessed if one can die from too much crying.

I am very tired...

Come an alien take me away Come a spirit whisk me away To a space without existence To a place without sadness Born a skeptic I was The hand of God is beyond my sought In this hostile world I'm lost How much longer could I hold on? In this world I'm not supposed to be Hurting loved ones is all I did Creating troubles is my usual deed Why then, do I even exist? Come an alien take me away... Come a spirit whisk me away...

Invisible me

I am renting a room in a 4 rooms unit. The other 2 rooms are occupied by a couple and a single guy respectively. We don’t talk to each other. We’re of different world, different kind of people. There’s nothing to talk about. If we come face to face with each other, we’ll “force” a smile out of our facial muscles.

It’s cold, I know. But that’s the way it is.

The other day I was walking, came face to face with the couple who are staying in the other room. I can’t pretend I don’t see them (That’s what we usually do if we can). So again, I forced a smile from my facial muscles. But what the fuck! The woman pretended I was not there and looked at the floor! So I can only smile to the husband because the woman just looked at the floor. And this fucking man looked “right through me” as if I’m invisible!!

What an idiot! Me!! Why the fuck was I so stupid to smile to them! FUCK!

What happened to the people in this world? Where the fuck is their manners??!

P.s. Did you know that Microsoft Word regards “Where the FUCK is their manners” a grammatically correct sentence? AAahhahaha…

What's the point?

Do you realize? It is a very hostile world that we’re living. What’s the use of being nice to people?? I’ve always stick to my principle of being polite, being well-mannered to everyone even when I am a customer who is not receiving a proper service. But what do we get in return? “bbbbleah……pui! kind of attitude”, being yelled at, being spoken to like we are not worth the saliva to deal with. So what’s the point of treating people nicely??

Uncivilized people will always be uncivilized people. No matter how polite and how nice you talk to them. However nicely you chose your tone to talk to someone like that, they will still give you an answer in a tone which stabs into you like an invisible dagger.

I’ve learnt. It’s of no use treating people nice. You’ll only hurt yourself by doing so. Well, maybe not EVERYONE but most of them are not worth to treat them nice.

And you can’t ALWAYS oblige to someone’s request of favour. You helped this person 100 times, the ONE time you can’t help, this person will curse and swear at you behind your back. What the fuck is wrong with the people in this world?? Are we BORN to SERVICE him or her? I’ve seen this for so many times. So unfair and unreasonable. Such a disappointing world.

Impatience impatience

I don't understand why was I born with such impatient character.. When I want something, I want it immediately. It's such a torture if I can't. Without doing more research on the things that I want to buy, I often ended up disappointed and discard them and have my money wasted.

Still, I have not been able to change this habit. Well, I would say I might have improved... say... 20%... But that's really not enough..

I had been searching for a movie named "Sometimes in April" for a long time. It tells the story of the genocide in Rwanda in 1994, where 800,000 people were killed in 100 days. I could buy the DVD online of course, but I don't want to pay US dollar... There's another more known movie about this genocide, "Hotel Rwanda". I didn't have the chance to watch this either.

So, instead of the DVD, I resort to searching for the books about this genocide instead.

"We Wish to Inform You That Tomorrow We Will be Killed With Our Families: Stories from Rwanda" is one of the books about the genocide I found from Amazon. I searched Kinokuniya's bookweb and they do sell this book. I am now in JB, how I wish I could be in Kinokuniya with a flick of my fingers. It's killing me not being able to get hold of this book immediately...

I just can't wait.... It might be a difficult book for me to read considering my standard of English... Nevertheless, I'll still get this book. Tomorrow, tomorrow I'll go and buy it before meeting my friends to Asian Dive Expo.

p.s. 2 days ago at Kinokuniya I almost buy a book because it "looked interesting". Thank goodness I was able to suppress my urge to "just buy any book and read". The reviews I read on the internet were not so good...

The reviews for "We Wish to Inform You..." were mostly good, mostly 5stars. I hope I can finish the whole book. I don't say "I hope I like the book"... because it's a book about a real genocide that happened... not some fiction story... If someone say I like that book, does that mean he/she was not emotionally affected by the genocide and that he/she was "cold"? hmm... I don't know...

Good Friday

Went out with KR, Natasha and YY on Good Friday. We were unexpectedly stuck in such heavy traffic jam... unbearable... It wasn't a holiday in JB...where have all the people coming from? It's the worst traffic jam, we were barely moving.

And I have NEVER seen a shopping centre packed with so many people during a weekday in JB! Don't they have to work??? That's a usual scene in Bugis Junction or Orchard but NOT a shopping centre in JB...

So we went Secret Recipe for dinner. YY had this er.. something fried soba.

I had chicken cordon bleu. Wanted to have this when I went out with ST last last Sat but the manager's (i assume that's the manager) attitude sucked so we went to the Japanese restaurant opposite instead. Quite nice this one, "cheesy".

Me and YY. I look silly with that fringe... KR bought me that top from Bangkok~

KR had lamb stew. Looks delicious.

Natasha had this er... something roasted chicken?

Natasha and KR. We went Starbuck and had cheese cakes even after a very heavy dinner... sinful... hehe...

KR experienced a shot from an interesting angle. The picture composition is nice but I looked fat~~~!! My top matched the colours of Starbuck~~
We left Jusco about 11+pm, and the shopping centre was still full of people~~!! I was kind of scared when I sent the girls home, considering JB's recent notorious safety issues... Thank goodness I reached home safe and sound ^_^

Funny Videos! must see!

Discovered these few videos, really funny. Have a look to have some laugh~

Dumb Dog : I think this dog is a bit mentally unstable.. hahah...

Skeleton Dance : pretty brilliant~ and funny~

Scuba diving cat : Scuba diving cat and dog. So lovely~

Some photos

This is taken on causeway bridge in the evening on a day in August last year.
The view outside my unit. (I can't say outside my "house" because it's not my house, it's not a home, I am just a tenant in one of the rooms. I can't bring myself to say my "home".)


Taken this morning at 6+am~~ Beautiful and biggg moon.

小强

I don’t like to see 小强when I come home. 小强 is very disgusting, lurking around here and there. Some say小强 is very smelly. I wouldn’t know, because I do not want to be in 小强's close proximity to find out. Sometimes小强 will go into my room uninvited...

小强 once acted in a movie before. That’s why小强 is famous.

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My neighbourhood has the most小强 I’ve ever seen.

小强... is a cockroach. Well, I should say小强 is ALL cockroaches. I have filed a complaint before regarding小强. But the person replied my complaint seemed to take the situation very lightly, asking me to tell him exactly where 小强 is lurking around. HELLO??!! Where can 小强 be lurking around?? Dustbins, waste bins, “longkangs”, etc… where else can小强 be? Like that also need to ask??? Then he said they’ll do the “smoke” thing to get rid of小强. (the "smoke" thing is "fumigation" lah.. i forgot this word. hahaha)

But everyday I go home I’m still being greeted by 小强 and their families, and their next families, and their next next families….....

I guess I just have to live with that… Next time 小强 visits my room uninvited, I would still treat him with his favourite perfume – Baygon or Ridsect.

p.s. For readers' information, Singapore's flats are mostly very clean, except the place I'm staying. Perhaps because it's industrial area...

Sentimental

I thought I am a cold-blooded person who reacts more upon knowing an animal’s death than a human’s. It turns out that I am wrong about myself… Or maybe it’s just that I’ve become more sentimental these few years…

When I think about Angel’s father, I’d still want to cry..even as I’m writing this… I didn’t talk much with Angel’s father in the years I’ve know her, 16 years to be exact. But I’ve heard a lot from Angel.

It’s just … so sad… human is so fragile, physically and to some, mentally as well… I guess this is the price to pay for being an intelligent creature. Chimpanzees mourn for the death of their loved ones too. They sometimes died from sadness… But still, I rather be an animal than a human. Too much to cope to be a human being…

My condolences to Angel and family

My good friend, Angel, her father passed away few days ago. I went to the wake this evening.

Before I went there, my eyes started to get wet when I think of how close she was with her father.

I am not expressive when I come face to face with people. I can express my feelings well by words but not vocally.. (I am very expressive with only one person in this world so far... I hope I can find another in times to come..) I didn't know what to say to Angel when I went to the wake. Of course she understood me. I asked to see her father (I am not sure are there specific words in English for 瞻仰仪容). Again, I didn't know exactly what to say to him except a few words.

Shortly after, Buddhist praying session began. I sat there alone, pondering about death...

Before the praying began, came a dog, sat on a piece of cardboard which was meant for the relatives to kneel on while praying. It was as if she (it's a female) would like to pay respect for the deceased as well. A man shoo it away. And as though she felt I understood her, of all the spaces available, she came to sat beside me. It could me it's just me imagining all these but I can't help feeling like that.

I had to control my tears from falling when I sat there, listening to the prayers.

When the prayer was done, Angel sat down with me. I asked about her father's last moments. He left in peace. It's blessed that he didn't suffer for a long time. Angel was strong. I couldn't control my tears anymore... And they wouldn't stop running down my face when I heard about his last moment. Yes, he left in peace, but still it's a sad thing when our loved ones have to leave us forever...

My condolences to Angel and her family. May her father rest in peace.


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I cried again in the shower room back at home. Imagining it's my own loved ones... Life is all about birth and death. But death is so difficult to accept. I don't quite like living... Life is harsh.

I don't quite believe in God, but I believe in faith and luck. Contradicting? I don't know...
I pray to "luck" that I would die a quick death. And I want my ashes to be scattered (is scatter the right word?? it sounds weird) into the sea, hopefully it'll be Tioman because it's nearer and it would be easier for my family to do that..

"Kak"

I went swimming in JB pool on Sunday. When I reached there at 2pm when it just opened after lunch break, there was nobody in the pool. I was happy every time I see the pool is empty. I went into the changing room, while doing warm up, I heard a lot of noise outside, “kecoh” , in Malay terms.

I went out after that, oh my gosh, 10 over teenage boys were already in the pool shouting, playing… so noisy.

It wasn’t a nice day, after I swam for a while it started raining. We all got up and waited for the rain to stop. When it became a drizzle everybody rushed into the pool again. The Malay lifeguard then called out to me, “Kak! Kak!” He asked me why I hadn’t gone back to the pool to swim again. But he called me “kak”! It’s elder sister in Malay. NEVER, had ANY Malay man or woman (people I don’t know) call me, a Chinese girl - “kak”. It felt so good, felt respected. The lifeguard is not exactly young, I don’t know how old is he, should be around my age or older than me.

The thing is, Malays, when they call out to Malay girls, it’s always, “adik”(younger sister) or “kak”. When they call Chinese girls, if they are nice enough they will call you adik, but most of the time, they will just call you “Ah Moy!”. I hate that. Sounds so rude. I don’t know if they think that’s what they should call Chinese girls or they dislike calling Chinese girls adik…

So can you imagine how I felt when that lifeguard called me “kak”?? Very delighted, very very delighted indeed. hahaha…

6 Fucks

Yesterday I was fucking bad mood and my fucking chinchilla fucking refused to go back to her fucking cage. Caused me even more fucking frustrated and fucking cried myself to sleep.