My mother and father

I drove to Changi airport on Sat evening with my mother, to fetch my bro.

My mother is not very happy lately. My father's temper is getting worse as he grows older and also because of his illness. Illness shouldn't be an excuse. I know his character, always think he's right. I am afraid I'd grow old like him. But I am a lot more like my mother, character wise, thank God.

I know it's tough, when the two of them stay at home with not much work to do, while me and my bro are at work. Plus I am only back at home 2 days a week.

My mother has low self-esteem, for she was not given a chance to attend school. She was the eldest girl among 12 siblings. She was required to do all the house chores since she's a little kid. She tried to attend evening school but everyday she reached home, tonnes of clothes waiting for her to wash, tonnes of house chores waiting for her to do, albeit the fact that there are other family members at home. She had to quit the evening school after a short time. (She even had to do chores until midnight, on the night before her wedding day. She cried...while washing clothes.... My father didn't plan for their wedding that soon but after he saw how hard she had to work at home, he immediately asked her to marry him.)

My mother is a very clever woman, I believe she would be a very successful woman with a great career had she been given the chance to receive education. Not that she's not successful now, she is a successful, wonderful mother and a GREAT wife.

She had always worried that my brother and I will feel ashame of having an uneducated mother. I HAD NEVER felt any shame in any point of my life. She is a great mother, although she sometimes nags... like every mother does. (Sometimes I find myself nagging my bro like my mother does...)

She asked me again recently, that whether I find her useless. I told her not to think nonsense. That's all I said. It's not very convincing. I am not used to saying mushy things to my parents and brother... Just now in the car she mentioned about that again. I said, "Let me tell you, I never see you as a useless person." "You are..." I stopped for a few seconds, catching my breath.."the best person in the whole world."

She kept quiet.
I had to fight so hard to keep my tears from falling. THAT, was the most mushy, but sincerest thing I've ever said to her. It wasn't enough. I wanted to say she's the greatest mum in the world and I am very proud of her and I never for one second think she's useless. But I couldn't. I would cry if I open my mouth again. I never cried in front of her after I grow up. I hope she knows that, that, was my true feeling. Not just saying to make her happy. Actually my answer didn't quite answer her question... but.. I hope she understand what I wanted to tell her...

I hope she had received education like everybody else. Not because of shame that she thought me and my bro might feel (we never!) . It is because she is a clever, kind hearted and great woman. She would have done great things had she been educated. And it'll be much easier to tell her how much I love her, by writing her letters. I really cannot tell her verbally.. too mushy.
My mother, is an extremely kind hearted woman. Sometimes, too kind hearted. I am kind-hearted too (don't puke, it's true ) but I can be in no way in comparison to her. However such kind hearted character will be bullied in our hostile world now. But she's born like that, can't change. I think I inherited this character from her. She said if she open up a shop and have very good business, and the person next door has no business at all, she'd feel very bad. And if she can she'd probably give the person next door some business to do. She said she cannot stand seeing 可怜people . So am I. It makes me feel so bad, really bad, if I see someone with pitiful look, or having very bad business. One of the stalls in the canteen where I have lunch with my colleague, has very very little business while others have long queues. It breaks my heart seeing the old couple sitting/standing at their stall, looking bored. Seriously... it feels very very bad. But they sell chaitowkuay.. and popiah.. people hardly eat that for lunch... I don't like this character of mine. Cos it really makes me feel terribly bad when I see pitiful people or very old people who still need to work.

When I was born, I was the worse nightmare of a mother. I would cry once she put me to bed. I had to be carried ALL THE TIME. Thank goodness my father was a good husband and carried me throughout the night and let my mother sleeps. Nowadays my mother still talk about that whenever I mentioned about friends' newborn. She said my bro was so easy to take care of and I am the total opposite, a little devil. Every time, I would joke that that's because I am the monkey and my bro is the pig (my mum was born in the pig year my dad in monkey year). I said pig just eat and go to sleep obediently after that. Whereas monkey, a monkey baby cannot be put down by their mother. A monkey baby clings on tightly to its mother 24 hours a day and will cry if it's let down. So I am the monkey. haha...

I used to be very rebellious when I was in secondary school. Always quarrel with her. Most of the time it's my fault but I never said sorry. I wanted to but couldn't. Once, I wanted to say sorry to her so I walked into the kitchen. She was cooking. I walked in and out of the kitchen several times but I couldn't open my mouth to say sorry. In the end I still never did. I considered making a card to say sorry but it didn't materialize as well.

I behave better now.

My father was a typical father in typical chinese family who doesn't talk much. When we talk we often end up in arguements. He was the one whom I see carried me all the time in our black and white photos. I didn't have a photo of my mother carrying me... I remember when I was little my father always carried me here and there and I loved it. But we are not that close when I've grown up, actually we're quite distance.... I am full of envies when I saw on TV, Thailand's ousted premier Thaksin, holding his daughter's hand and walked out of a building...

I know he dotes me. But his always i-am-right character.. is hard to swallow. I try to chat with my father and be good to him but... a relationship doesn't take one person to build up. I know he's a typical traditional chinese man who never express himself well... but still...

When he was diagnosed with kidney failure, I did not show much concern. And one night he cried... he told my mother no one concerns about him................... When my mother told me that... can you imagine my guilt??? I almost cry but I fought back. I never cry in front of her. I stayed quiet. I think about that a lot, and I'd cry, for many times now....including now. I tried to treat him better....but it's hard. As I said, a relationship doesn't take one person to build...

Thus, I say... life is tough, way too tough. Why would I want to bring lives to this world and suffer? Too much emotion.. too much suffering.. Everybody has their own tales to tell... therefore, I ask... what is the purpose of our lives? I really do not know.